Rumor Has It

I can live without you, I just don't want to.

This is the famous movie line of Jennifer Aniston in the movie Rumor Has It when she was trying to get back with Mark Rufalo. This line perhaps sums up what I feel about my relationship with my boyfriend.

We are not a perfect couple( I guess not one couple is), we quarrel a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a LOT. We've tried our very best not to argue anymore but successfully failed(LOL). It isn't because we don't love each other because we both know that we do and that we're crazy about each other. We just fight a lot. But the good thing there is that we don't let the night pass without settling our arguments. We both can't sleep well when we leave it unsettled.

We also went to a point where we broke up, and I think it happened thrice already. The funny thing is that when I tell my friends about it, they'll just shrug it off as something that regularly happens between us and they'll all tell me that we'll soon get back together. And we always do. But there was this one time that we broke up and I had a horrible dream, a nightmare even. You see, since the moment we became a couple, when I dream about something which involves my boyfriend, my boyfriend has always been him. So this one time we broke up, I slept poorly that night and I didn't have a boyfriend or I had a different boyfriend in my dream. That scared the hell out of me when I woke up because I thought that that was it. It means that we're really done for good. I didn't want that to happen not because we've shared a lot of memories together - both good and bad - but because I know I love him and that we are meant to be together.

So I immediately called him up and we talked things over. The end of the call both left us with a smile on our faces, and you could just guess why. I don't want to lose him. And it's not because I can't live without him because I definitely could, I mean, I've managed to survive 19 years of my life without him and I've also been through heartaches and break ups before and I managed to come out alive. The thing is, I just don't want to. I prefer to stay with him, to be with him, to live my life with him, to build a family with him, to have my dreams built around him and for the future we both look forward to.

Ours isn't something that you could just label off as a fling or a puppy love or just plain boyfriend-girlfriend thing, this is something serious. But don't get me wrong, this wasn't what I always feel. I've also had second thoughts on us, on our relationship. Because at one time I felt that our relationship was so serious that I just felt I was choking from it. I thought about it so much and I even told him that I needed time to think our relationship over and if this is what I really want. This was all because I felt that I was missing a lot in my life, being so serious with him at my young age of 20. I know, this is a real immature reason. But then a friend told me that I wasn't missing a lot in my life by being with him because I definitely could still experience a lot of things and adventures but with him by my side. And that would even be double the excitement and fun!

So my thoughts were cleared. But even when I was having second thoughts, my thoughts still go back to him, to our happy times and moments together, and to the times I felt so lucky that he chose me to love. The little things that he does for me mean so much and it only makes me the more drawn to him and so in love with him.

But I don't love him because of how he treats me, loves me, and the way he makes me feel. I just can't help but do love him.

Therefore, I am in love. And that is an understatement. I wouldn't say words can't describe how I feel about him or how much I love him because that would be too cliche. Instead I'll put it this way - words cannot contain feelings, the more it cannot describe it.

So Mike, I can live without you. I just don't want to.